.Sam found himself seated at the table, across from a My Little Pony.Amanda sat on his right, and Elsa sat to his left."Thank you for coming to Amanda's tea party, ladies." Amanda curtseyed,and then mock poured tea into each guest's plastic cup. "Oh, your firsttea party, miss?" Amanda said to Sam. "Let me show you how to drink." Sheheld the plastic cup up to Sam's thin black mouth. Sam smiled."Tastes good, doesn't it?"Sam's thoughts began to slow. Maybe this wouldn't be so bad. He couldjust sit here. He was nice and soft and squishy and cuddly and huggable.Plus, he was pretty. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad. Maybe it would be okay.Maybe he could be happy."Oh, let me help you with that." Amanda brushed Sam's yarn hair backbehind his shoulders. Sam smiled.Maybe this wouldn't be so bad. There was nothing wrong with being small,cute, and pretty. There was nothing wrong with being a doll. Sam was adoll now. He could be happy, be a happy doll. Yes, he would be a happydoll.Eventually, the tea. As I said in the Night of Hell post I no longer believe much of anything religiously. I had a conversation with a friend that turned me on my ear. As I had stated in NOH I was extremely enraged at the Christian god for ignoring me. When I say enraged I mean the Hulk on a rampage would be considered slightly ticked in comparison. My friend who has walked through this entire mess with me said to me: “I know why God’s ignoring you.”Me:”Why, other than the fact I’m an asshole?”Friend: “You killed God. You’ve spent your entire life searching for wisdom. You’ve studied religion, magick, psychology, all of it. You killed your belief in god long before you ever got sick. When you faced that darkness you knew you were the only one there and that you couldn’t answer your own prayer.”Me: “Wait a minute, You’re saying I’m mad at myself?”Friend: “Yes.”I felt the truth of his words and it was like he had run me through with a sword. I was speechless. It took me a couple of days to process what he.
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